Since three AM this morning, I've been in hell.Last night was my friend's birthday picnic in the park. So cute, so fun. I left in time to be home by ten. But, upon returning home, I found that I was completely exhausted and utterly spent. So I laid down in bed about 10:04 I think and passed out almost immediately. I left my phone on extra extra extra loud, just in case my friend called to talk. She does that a lot. We both do, actually.
For some reason (insomnia, I suppose) I woke up around three AM and couldn't sleep. Of course I instinctively checked my phone, because I have become addicted to it. I work around it and I have all of my appointments programmed into the calender on it. Anyway, one from this friend of my brother's who was asking me about a movie; and then one that was a little bit harder to read. From a friend of mine, the one that I said I was leaving and getting rid of. Well here he was, "Hey i miss u". Needless to say, this was not the text that I should have seen at three in the morning. My resolve crumbled. I stared at my phone until the backlight shut off, and clicked back onto it so that I could continue reading it, over and over and over. Dear god, why?
He sent it at 10:14 PM. Moments after I'd fallen asleep. I guess I sleep deepest when I first drift off. I had missed him by sheer moments. But I guess that's how it's been with us. We missed our moment, I'm sure. So we're stuck trying to make our puzzle pieces fit, but we always pick up the wrong ones. We can't seem to make it work out just right. Is this a sign that we're not supposed to work out? Should I cut my losses? "You never want to be stuck with anyone. Already bad signs." That's what my best friend said. She's right, I know she is. She always is. But I just don't want to listen. And that's my problem; always has been. I don't listen to the people I should.
Anyway, I threw my phone to the complete opposite end of my bed and tried to fall back to sleep. Tossing and turning led me to get up and pick my phone up and plug it into the charger. At least it would be doing something productive while I wasn't, right? More tossing and turning led me to look at the clock. God, four AM? I got up and padded downstairs into the kitchen. Yes, I know. It was a bad idea, but what else was I going to do? 4:21 AM found me at the kitchen table with 170 calories worth of dark chocolate gelato and memos about picking the right college and how to prepare. After that, I made myself a quick cleanse of lemon juice and hot water and wandered back upstairs to my bedroom.
I laid in bed and tried to read. One chapter in, I quit and put on Sex and the City. This lasted for another forty-five minutes while I drank my cleanse. Upon finishing it, I shut off the TV and eventually fell into a light sleep which left me feeling drained and haggard when I woke up at 10:30 to my mother opening up all the blinds in my room. Great.
I had a doctor's appointment at one-thirty and then work right after. Hell. I was instantly aware of how much I didn't want to be awake, didn't want to eat, didn't want to go to the doctor. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep. Because if I sleep, I can't think about him or the text. Because if I sleep, I can't look at the text. Because if I sleep, it's not happening and my resolve is intact. But I'm not asleep, I'm awake. And it's killing me.
I have a headache. This beating within my skull that sounds to the rhythm of those four poorly-worded words. All day long it's there. I put on an over-sized sweatshirt and black leggings. Put on my glasses, tie my hair into messy braids, throw on a hat that makes me feel like a trucker. I slip on cheap flip flops and head out the door. On the way to work I'm screaming lyrics to sad, sad songs and numbly driving. I'm like a robot. I know where I'm going, so I drive on auto-pilot. I'm miserable.
And so, readers. What is the lesson? I don't know. I'm hoping one of you can give me some insight because I am beyond lost.
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ReplyDeleteWhat could I not stop thinking or dreaming about?
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