It Is My Nature

I don't actually want to feel numb when we are together. I really hate it because I know you are all there, soaking in the moments. You're breathing me in and you're touching what you believe to be every fiber of Us. And I know that you're so much closer to finding love than I am. You may have already found it in me. And I'm jealous. I'm so jealous. I can barely stand myself sometimes. I look at you and I see that you feel something so good and so pure and so wholesome and I want it. I want that. I want so desperately what you have and what appears to come effortlessly to you.

And there I am, being next to you, always on your right. And I feel nothing. I'm entirely emotionless and I'm numb and I take my brain entirely out of the equation. I don't remember the moment. I don't even feel it when it's there. I fall away and I can't share these moments with you. As you're attaching yourself to me with these tentacles that you've slowly been letting loose into my life, I know I should feel ecstatic. Somebody wants me! Somebody as marvelous and bright and shining as you wants me!

But I don't. I get scared, I pull away, I turn my brain off, I shut out the light. I'm hollowing myself out and trying to scrape myself out of Us. It's not intentional, I swear. But it's effortless, it's happening despite my plans to stop it. How do I stop it?

I want to be a part of this. I want to give myself to you, to Us. But I don't know how. I want you to know that I'm trying. And when this is all over, and when I leave you, the best man I've ever had, I want you to know that I tried. You may love a wild thing, but it will never love you back. Things are wild because they are unattainable. And because they are unattainable, they are lonely. And that is their fate. That is my fate.

I want to love you, desperately. But I have never truly loved anything and so I don't know how to love you. But I try. I'm trying. Fate and my habits are against me. My brain and its fear will overwhelm my heart one day and I will leave you. Forgive me. Please forgive me.

Ne moi oubliez pas. Au revoir.

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